something about this time of year

There’s something about this time of year.

And not the magical “something” the holidays supposedly bring.

There’s this feeling of being lost.

Hyper aware of all the fakeness. The excess. The overconsumption and over indulgence.

And not sure what to do with it.

Retreat? Disconnect? Throw it all away?

It’s everywhere– On social media. In real life. On the radio. In conversations.

It’s suffocating.

The sad part is realizing you are just as bad.

And maybe that’s the real issue here for me.

Maybe all this junk that causes these suffocating feelings of excess and overwhelm are just mirroring back to me internal junk– my own actions of fakeness, privilege, excess.

Maybe I’m just seeing the external realization of my own internal stories and feelings and it’s ugly and I don’t like it.

I’m an extremely privileged human with more than I need, and this time of year always seems to bring that front and center.

Again, I’m not sure what to do with it all so I tend to go into “get rid of it” mode.

A few weekends ago, I removed most of the apps on my phone– Facebook, Instagram, games, apps for stores, and apps that I’m not using right now.

It’s not like they are gone forever. I can (too) easily reinstall them if I decide I need any. But it’s a really good exercise in simplicity and recognizing how much time I spend doing things mindlessly.

I’m intentionally making it annoying to access things I would scroll through any time I had a few spare minutes, because God forbid I got bored.

I guess maybe in some ways I’m trying to make myself bored. Or at least to think before I mindlessly do things for the dopamine hit.

I’ve removed Facebook from my phone several times over the last few years, and each time I miss it less. I’m at the point where I could probably do without it altogether.

Instead of breeding connection, the 24/7 instant access we have to people and businesses has caused us to be so disconnected, so fake. Everything we do is to sell ourselves. To convince the others mindlessly scrolling through our feeds that we are awesome.

When do we as a society, say enough is enough? When do we stop doing things for the likes and attention? Or are we much too addicted to let it go?

I don’t have any answers.

For now, I will continue intermittent fasting from social media. Maybe I will glean some answers, maybe not. But my hope is this will help me find some balance and calm amongst all the chaos.

šŸ¤ amanda maureen

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